procrastination..

.. is a phenomenal way to not only publish a few blog entries, but also a chance to sit down and think about all of the things you would RATHER be doing than what you are supposed to do.
For example, instead of writing 2 research papers, working on a presentation, and reading, I began working on a monthly budget for when I graduate. Lately, I've been really burdened with the desire to pay off my students loans as quickly as possible. Their ominous and completely impossible nature has been the source of stress as I wrestle in prayer about my financial future. At a recent luncheon, a close friend encouraged me with a story of a woman in our church who had a larger loan burden than myself, who, after a short year or two of living simply with complete dependence on God, witnessed her debts disappear! Praises!
I realize that if I am to truly be debt-free after a few years, I will have to throw myself into full trust that the Lord will provide for every need. Of course this kind of dependence is necessary as a follower of Jesus, but easy to avoid. Since childhood, I have struggled for independence, and made every decision to walk my own path, however rough or straight at the time. As much as possible, I strive to be self-supporting and cringe at the fact that money is such a necessary evil.
There is a fire inside blazing to constantly experience newness and become the brave adventurer traveling around the world. There are small aspirations and hopes about moving some place exciting after Baylor and jumping into a career. Maybe moving to Austin or San Francisco, or even Chicago- places which have intrigued me since I was young.
And equally present is the bold truth that I am tied down to a debt that cannot be ignored and must be paid. There is my home in San Diego with my loving family who promises to support me and encourage me towards a life free of student loans. I think there would be great joy at moving home besides the financial help. I would be able to spend more time with my mother, who has become my absolute best friend and confidante. I would be closer to the ocean which I love so dearly. I would be able to participate in my little brother's senior year of high school by attending his basketball games, taking pictures of him before homecoming, and just hanging out. These are just a few of many reasons why moving home would be amazing.
But can I ignore the fears? Of getting 'stuck in a rut,' not finding a job using my degree, lacking a solid community of friends who really love and follow Jesus, not meeting anyone to date besides the crazies I went to high school with (silly, but it's a concern!)..
Lies from Satan can be so believable sometimes.
I want to honor God with my life, and I know this decision will play such an important role in the whole direction of my future.
Officially, publicly, and fearfully, I am dedicating the following months to praying for this decision. No matter where I am, I know I am safe in God's hands working within His will, and will remain steadfast in His love. So, I suppose location doesn't really matter. I just want to know already! ahh faith....